Michael Jordan Terminates 15-Year Affiliation With Planet Fitness: “I Want Nothing With Any of That ‘Woke Company'”

Michael Jordan’s Hilarious Breakup with Planet Fitness After 15 Years: “I’d Rather Dunk Donuts”

In a shocking turn of events, basketball legend Michael Jordan has decided to sever ties with his long-time gym partner, Planet Fitness. After a 15-year relationship filled with sweat, tears, and probably a few missed layups, Jordan announced his departure with a comedic flair that left fans chuckling and gym rats scratching their heads.

“I’ve had it with Planet Fitness,” declared Jordan with a mischievous grin. “I mean, who needs to work out in a place where they serve pizza on Mondays and bagels on Tuesdays? I’d rather dunk donuts than lift weights in a gym that’s practically a fast-food joint in disguise!”

The news sent shockwaves through the fitness community, with many wondering what could have prompted His Airness to make such a bold move. Some speculated that Jordan’s decision was fueled by his legendary competitive spirit, as he simply couldn’t bear the thought of sharing a treadmill with amateurs who barely break a sweat.

“I’m used to pushing myself to the limit,” Jordan quipped, “not waiting in line behind someone who’s using the elliptical as a coat rack.”

But it wasn’t just the questionable snack bar offerings that pushed Jordan over the edge. Reports suggest that the final straw came when he discovered Planet Fitness’s infamous “lunk alarm” – a blaring siren designed to shame anyone grunting too loudly or lifting weights deemed too heavy.

“I mean, come on,” Jordan laughed, “I’ve faced tougher challenges on the court than a little noise. Besides, who needs a lunk alarm when you’ve got Shaq sweating up a storm on the bench press?”

Despite the laughter surrounding his departure, Jordan made it clear that he harbored no ill will towards Planet Fitness or its patrons. “I’ve had some great times here,” he admitted, “but it’s time for me to move on to greener (and less pizza-scented) pastures.”

As for his future fitness plans, Jordan hinted at the possibility of starting his own gym chain – one where the only snacks allowed are protein bars and victory shakes.

“Stay tuned,” he teased, “because the Air Jordan Gym might just be coming to a city near you. And trust me, there won’t be a bagel in sight.”